8:47pm on the East Coast, and I'm settling in for SS Doomtrooper with wine and cheese and nuts, which seems like it'll be a perfectly appropriate accompaniment...
First commercial break: Is it possible that this might not suck? I mean, holy cow, they beat us, the geeky snarky audience, to the Parker Lewis reference! Still, I predict that there will come a moment in this film during which we will learn that Parker Lewis can, indeed, lose.
Corin's "We meet at last" line to the Parker Lewis character was priceless. But its goodness is more than balanced out by the hilarious awfulness of the "American" accents on the clearly Eastern European actors. The Czech Republic: it's the new British Columbia for cheap moviemaking.
I'm working on a David Banner reference for the Hulky doomtrooper guy...
Second commercial break: Don't listen to her, she's a Nazi!
Okay, we've reached a new low for film when the FX for a movie that's pretty much a videogame are worse than the FX in a videogame. Who are they kidding with this doomtrooper? And are we actually meant to believe that he picked up that armor when he found the secret room hidden behind the suit of armor in the castle, or what?
I hafta say, though, that the score is clearly intentionally funny. The heroic music while the fake-American Euro soldiers are running away? Someone is having a bit of fun with this, at least.
Also: How does Corin not crack up every time he has to say "Lewis"?
Third commercial break: The commercial breaks are coming faster, aren't they?
Of course the chick that Corin's falling in love with is French -- why else would she have that outraaaageous ac-cent?
When o when is someone gonna tell Parker Lewis that he can't lose? I'm going to be very disappointed if this never happens...
Also: Nice of the Nazis to light up their secret fortress in a glowing green. Unless it's glowing because of the atomic radition they're using to create the Hulk thing...
Okay, very tired of the big buckin' chicken, the mob guy interested in cellphones, and the Long John Silver first-dollar ad. Enough!
But please, more "Doctor Who" ads! Christopher Eccleston, yum...
Fourth commercial break: Did that one fake English soldier guy say he wasn't feeling very soldiery? Doesn't he know that Viagra is good for curing that?
Man, this is bad. But it's nice to see that Castle Wolfenstein is picking up a few bucks for serving as a location, for the Nazi fortress, and that Chernobyl is making a comeback in the movie industry: sure, the entire cast will die of cancer in 20 years, but they'll be in good company. John Wayne died of cancer after shooting in the radioactive American Southwest, you know. But then, he never had to deal with bad WWII clichés and worse CGI...
Fifth commercial break: Parker Lewis still can't lose.
Sixth commercial break: Parker Lewis can't lose, but his French bakery pal clearly could.
Um, is it over yet? I know they have to kill Ben Cross, and probably blow up the secret Nazi glowing fortress, and surely Parker Lewis has to lose at some point, at which Corin will have some snarky comment to make. But is it over yet?
Seventh commercial break: I guess Parker Lewis could lose after all. (And by this, of course, I mean the character Parker Lewis, and not Corin Nemec, who is not Parker Lewis here.) I was so expecting Parker Lewis to turn into some Captain America-type Hulk Doomtrooper thingie, and then fight the Nazi Doomtrooper to death? Wouldn't that have been awesome? I guess they ran out of budget.
Poor, poor, Corin. I mean, I guess he's paying the mortgage, and he got a free trip to the glorious mountainside vistas of the Czech Republic, but still... how did he justify that awful accent? Why must all WWII soldiers be from Brooklyn? At least it wasn't as bad as Parker Lewis's accent, which sounds like he learned it from a Bugs Bunny cartoon...